The below article is published online at:
http://magicalhomes.in/are-parents-saying-no-less-often-to-children/
“Last
year we were really having a gala time on a cruise until one fine day Shrey
spotted another similar aged boy with a battery operated toy truck. This
instantly led him to demand a similar piece straightaway. I had a hard time
dealing with his tantrums and unreasonable behaviour during the rest of our
vacation. As soon as we landed back home, the first thing I did was to fetch
him an exactly similar model to make him smile again. I know I didn’t handle
the situation properly but I hate to say ‘no to my only son; I always fear that
by doing so he will love me less.” Says Vruddhi, a single mother to eight year
old Shrey.
“Few
days back, during a Diwali party at our place, one of my guests’ five years old
son caught hold of my expensive smartphone and dunked it in the toilet bowl just
for fun. I caught him red handed and
handed over the matter to his parents. I was extremely disturbed when they
didn’t even confront the little boy. In fact, right in front of him, they
offered to replace my handset. Considering they chose not to humiliate their
son in front of other guests, at least asking a boy to apologise would have
helped to send him a strong message that whatever he did wasn’t ethical. I
doubt if the parents will ever lay a strong foundation for his life ahead.”
Sunidhi recollects.
“This
Christmas, I want to gift a smartphone to my son. He is a gadget freak and
already owns number of high-tech video games along with his own laptop. I want
to see him happy all the time and enjoy the luxuries of life that I didn’t. I
want him to have a childhood far better than I did. And I will do whatever it
takes to make sure that he gets whatever he wishes for.” Amit , father of eight
years old son, states.
Vruddhi
and Amit are top-notch executives in multinational companies. They have strived
hard and earned for whatever they have achieved until now and continue to do so
for providing a better future to their children. They both realise the value of
hardship and the happiness and contentment it brings along. And in spite of
having such affluent careers, it’s an agony to see them fail to instil the
right values in their kids.
Such
parents usually feel that their children will love them less if they say ‘No’
too often to their demands, whims and fancies. This results in giving in to the
child’s every demand, however unreasonable that it. Comparing your own
childhood with your child’s is highly juvenile and should strictly be avoided
to be used as an excuse to give up. This is a definite way of spoiling your
child, if not anything else. Instead of agreeing to them instantaneously, it’s
always advised to find a mid-way. Having a friendly chat with your child will
help you understand his intents better. Ask certain specific questions like
what he wants, where did he spot it first and why does he want it? This will
help you understand your child and if his demand is justified then let him know
your own reasons why you would agree to it.
If this involves a cost factor, let your child know about its value, if
he is old enough to understand. This is also a good opportunity to make him
behave in a certain way before he finally gets what he desires.
Sometimes,
parents expect their children to understand that their behaviour is totally
unacceptable by saying ‘no’ to them. However, more than the word itself, it’s
important the way you say it. Similarly, there are other non-verbal cues of
passing the right message like a positive body language. It may also be noted
that very young children might not respond to the ‘N’ word in a desired manner
due to the amount of attention they get when they do something wrong.
Now
here’s the twist! Though you should avoid satisfying your child’s demands
promptly, it’s also isn't prudent to refuse him each time he asks for anything
as this will be a hindrance in building up on his self-confidence. It can also
prove beneficial to ask your child to earn whatever he wants in some ways.
“Every time Siya demands anything which if I feel is reasonable, instead of
giving up to her demands easily, I ask to earn it within her capacity. Small
gestures like helping me prepare the dinner table or carrying small grocery
bags makes her feel she is working hard towards achieving what she wants. And
the joy on her face when she gets what she earned is simply spectacular. In a
way, I am happy, too because I don’t want her to feel that it’s an easy life
and everything is freely available at the fingertips.” Says Vandana, mother of
six years old Siya.
When
Manoj Sharma, engineer, has to refuse the demands of his five year old daughter
Paridhi, he always makes it to explain to her the reasons behind it. “Though Paridhi
is still quite young, I always give her apt reasons whenever I decline to
honour what she desires. This has two advantages. She grows up learning that
there’s always a purpose for my decision and secondly, this exercise helps polish
her reasoning skills and also makes her understand that I don’t say no without
a reason.”
Sunidhi’s
case is no different. She is totally distressed by the way the boy’s parents
handled the situation. Teaching the basic manners to kids at tender age will
help them understand the intensity of the situation. Five years is quite a
young age for the boy to appreciate the value of forty thousand rupees but
having to say ‘sorry’ to someone would have definitely made him realise that he
has done something drastically wrong. Sorry, thank you and please are very robust
words and kids can correlate with them, if encouraged at an early age. When
Sunidhi was offered another phone in lieu of the damaged one by the boy’s
parents, in front of him, unknowingly they sent a wrong message that it’s ok to
damage things as far as they can be replaced.
Although
we believe that parenting is highly nourishing, let’s also face that it comes
with its own concerns. Disciplining the child is the worst nightmare. Lack of
discipline is a consistent issue that most parents face these days. Many
parents associate the word ‘discipline’ with abusing or unreasonably punishing the
kids. However, discipline comes from the root word ‘Disciple’ which means to
teach or to guide. Hence, it’s extremely important that we guide our children
towards optimistic behaviour thus helping them develop a healthy and positive
attitude towards life.
So,
next time when your child just refuses to move without that candy floss in the
middle of the road……….think! Think about how best you can make her realise that
food available at road-side can harm her delicate tummy rather than plainly
giving up to her unhealthy demand.
